Alternative Definitions

Hotel Maid: A Spreadsheet expert.
Hot pants: Breaches of promise.
Q: What colour was the British ghost’s flag?
A: Red, White and Boo!
Q: Which one of King Arthur’s knights invented the round table?
A: Probably Circumference.
Q: How would you describe a really hot coffee pot?
A: I’d say its Perky.
“Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m becoming invisible!”
“Yes, I can see you’re not all there.”

Q and A

Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub
Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?
A: Because it is off and running
Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan
Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?
A: Horsing around
Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?
A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?
A: He wanted to be a copycat.
Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?
A: He wasn’t a mourning person.
Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint
collided?
A: The survivors were marooned!
Q: Why are giraffes snobs?
A: Because they look down on everyone.
Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?
A: A dirty double crosser
Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?
A: Never having to say you are sorry

Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”

Old couple

An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies
on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”

Airplane charm

A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a
gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring
at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my
airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”

Historical

A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”

Viagra Eye drops

Scientists have been experimenting with a new form of Viagra. The new product, taken
as eye drops, doesn’t give you an erection, but it doesn’t half make you look hard!

The Middle East

A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride
with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the
Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know,
have we tried that one yet?”

The maid

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid
takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”
“You mean paltry.”
“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”

The Doctor’s appointment.

pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.”
“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to
squeeze you in.”
“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”
Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O’Burt.

A Wish

“And what would you like?”
“A penis!”
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”
“A penis!!”
“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish
for the world is happiness!”

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom
deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant
and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a
regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container
instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Two Hookers

Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some
business.
“So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” asked the first.
“No,” replied the second, “but I’ve been grabbed by the tits a few times.”

Pussy and bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, Mom I've got a problem.
OK. Tell me. Says his mum.
The boys at school are using two words I doesn’t understand.
So what are they?
Well, pussy and bitch. Says the boy.
Oh that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat, and bitch is a female dog.
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the garage. He says, Dad the boys at school are
using words I don't understand. I asked mum and I don’t think she told me the exact
meaning.
What are the words? He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, OK, and pulls a copy of Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and
circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, Son, everything inside this circle is
pussy.
OK, dad, so what's a bitch?
Son, he says, everything outside that circle.

Q and A

Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Answering Machine Messages

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name
and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here.
So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you
didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you
are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it
instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll
call sooner!
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

The 6-foot cockroach

A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens
the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It
punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the
door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of
the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?”
he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”

New shoes

A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up
their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives
he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.”
“Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny
shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock
and has to take a seat.
“Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn’t wear
knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my
shoes had a crack in it!”

T-shirt slogans

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

Ding-Dong

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to
her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her
grandfather died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, the girl says, “Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that’s asking
for trouble?” “Oh no, my dear,” replies granny. “Many years ago we realizing we should
slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring.
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong.” Wiping away a tear she continues, “and if that god dam ice cream van
hadn’t showed up, he’d still be alive today!”

The screw

It’s the late 50’s and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl’s father opens the front
door and invites him in. “She’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” says the
proud dad. “So what’s are your plans for tonight?”
“We’ll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie.” Says the young man. The father
replies, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to
repeat it.
“Yeah,” says the father, “My daughter really loves to screw; she’ll screw all night if we
let her!”
Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl
rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream’s, “Dad! The
dance is called ‘The Twist!’”

Three surgeons

Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon
says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do
everything by numbers.”
The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open
them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”
But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on.
When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable.”

Two professors

Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American
Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be
speaking German.”
To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you
during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”

British Standards

It’s amazing that family planning clinics always recommend condoms that are,
‘Manufactured to British Standards.’ Cause lets face it, so was the Titanic!

Save money with these top tips…

• If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water
down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them for you!
• Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty
aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
• Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful
of frozen peas inside it before using it.
• Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your
goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
• Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet
seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
• Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure
themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method
quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
• Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm
clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!

Mr. Bean Great moment..

Making Babies

An eight year old comes home from school and says to her mother, “Mum, Guess what?
We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, a little surprised, asks fearfully, “That’s interesting and how do you make
babies?”
“It’s simple,” replies the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘ies’.”

Four senior guys are golfing

Four senior guys are playing golf.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complains.
“Yea, and these fairways are getting longer too,” says one of the others.
“The bunkers are a lot bigger than I remember them as well!" says the third senior.
After hearing his mates complaining, the oldest of the four in his seventies, pipes up and
says, “Guys, just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!”

The midget

The horny midget found that the best way to ‘get off’ with women was to use the direct
approach. So he goes up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and says, “Hey, baby,
what do you say to a little fuck?”
She looked down at him and replies, “Hello, little fuck!”

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and says, "I, need, to see
the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity,
maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two
months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Young woman

A young woman is having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a
weight problem. As she removed her knickers she blushes. “I'm so ashamed, Doctor,” she
says, “I guess I let myself go.”
While the physicians checks hers eyes and ears he says, “Don't feel ashamed Miss. You
look fine.”
“Do you really think so?" she asks.
The doctor holds a tongue depressor in front of her face and says, “Of course. Now
open your mouth and say moo.”

The show off ape

An ape lives in the jungle with all his mates. He’s a special ape, a bit of a show off,
always swinging through the trees performing stunts and acrobatics. All is well until one
day he has a serious fall. He lands badly breaks both his knees. Well his mates are
gutted, and so they rally around and carry him to a doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, “Sorry pal your acrobatic days are over. Unless,
unless we can get two replacement knee caps.” Well kneecaps replacements are hard to
find in the jungle, so the animals have a whip round. They raise the princely sum of 1
penny. They give the money to a tiger and send him to the nearest medical supply centre.
The tiger treks for days with the money, but eventually finds the centre. When he gets
to the front of the queue he pulls out the cash and says, “Do you have two ape knees for
a penny?”

The end is near

Two guys are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
“The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!”
They hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the next bend the guys hear the screeching of tires, a scream and then a
big splash.
“Do you think,” says one of the guys to his pal, “we should just change the sign to ‘Bridge
Out’ instead?”
A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a “Large glass of A-positive blood.”
The bartender looks him and says, “Sorry mate, but we don't serve your type here.”
“Do you want a game of Darts?” a guy says to a mate.
“OK then.” His pal replies. “Nearest to the bull starts.”
“Yea.”
“Moo.” Says the pal, “I think I’m closest.”
I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris.”
He said “Eurostar?”
I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.”
A guy says to his Gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
“How flexible are you?” asks the instructor.
“Well” says the guy, “I can't make Tuesdays.”
Saddam’s doctor calls a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes at a secret location.
“Well Men, I've got some good news and some bad news!”
“The good news is Saddam is alive!”
“The bad news is he lost an arm, and the operations start tonight!”
At a paternity trial a blonde’s lawyer asks, “On the night of July 16th, at 11:45 pm, in the
location generally known as ‘Lover's Lane’ did the defendant have sexual relations with
you?”
“Yes,” whispered the blonde.
“And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?”
the lawyer continues.
“Oh no,” she replies, “I'm pretty sure he had a Volvo.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left tibia is shorter than the
right one. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I’d probably limp as well.”
A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist, “Do you sell extra large size
condoms here?”
“Yes we do.” He replies, “Would you like to buy some?”
“No thanks.” She says, “but would you mind if I wait around here until I meet a guy who
does?”

Hell

A young lady comes home from a date and is rather sad.
“What’s wrong?” asks her mother.
“O, Tony proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” asks her mum.
“Because he’s an atheist and doesn’t want a church wedding. He doesn't even believe
there's a Hell!”
“Marry him anyway.” The mother replies. “I’m sure we'll be able to change his mind on
that!”

Virus alert!

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called
the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced Anti-Virus programs cannot take care of,
so be warned. It appears to affect people who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mails.
3. Causes you to send e-mails to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book are.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

The clone

A human clone with three eyes, no arms, and one leg escapes from a secret English lab.
To run away as quickly as possible he decides to hitchhike. A truck driver pulls over, rolls
down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! Hop in!"
Q: What do you call a girl that pretends to be someone they are not?
A: Emma Taters.

Gifts

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this
lavish gift, a friend asks, "I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," replies the guy. "But where in the hell am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Noisy Neighbours.

A Scottish guy goes to study at an English university and is living in the hall of
residence. After he’s been there a month his mother comes to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asks.
"Mother," he replies, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps
banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams and screams all night!"
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Simple, I do nothing. I just sit here quietly and play my bagpipes."

Sinner …

A girl kneels in the confessional and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice today I have gazed at myself in the
mirror and said how beautiful I look."
The priest turns, takes a look at the girl, and says, "I have good news for you. That isn't
a sin it's merely a mistake."

Seven Glad Hearts In A Day

A rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven
hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but
Seven?"
"Hey" says the rabbi, "do you think I do this for free?"

69

A girl takes a guy home to her apartment one night. She so hot that, as soon as they get
inside she suggests that they do "69". "What’s that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your
head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin
the moment he agrees. The second they get in to the position, she lets rip with a massive
a fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." She says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets loose with a total stinker!
The guy gets up and put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy replies, " If that’s 1 and 2 you’ve got to be crazy if you think I’m sticking around
for the other 67! "

The Elephant

An Elephant is drinking at a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant
ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across to the other riverbank.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a bit out of my trunk 20 years
ago."
"Wow, that’s some memory you’ve got!" says the giraffe.
"Yea," says the elephant. "I guess you could say I’ve got Turtle recall."

Jesus is out there

A little boy is afraid of the dark. One night his mother asks him to go out to the back
porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turns to his mother and says, "Mum, I don't want to go out there. It's
dark."
The mother smiles reassuringly at her son. "Don't be afraid of the dark," she says.
"Jesus is out there and he'll protect you."
The little boy looks at his mother real hard and asks, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he’s always ready to help when you need him. "
The little boy thinks about his mother’s words for a minute and then goes to the back
door. Opening it a little and peering into the darkness, he says, "Jesus? If you're out
there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Is sex a sin?

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not
permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had
given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that
sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their
small children. “You all have obsessions,” he says.
To the first mother he says, “You’re obsessed with eating. So you’ve named your
daughter Candy.”
To the second Mum he says, “You’re obsessed is with money. So you’ve you’re your
daughter Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom and says, “Your obsession is with alcohol. So you’ve named
your child Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, gets up, takes her son by the hand and whispers. “Come
on, Dick, we're leaving!”

Three Samurai

The emperor Japan advertises for a new Samurai warrior. Only three guys apply for the
job, one Japanese, one Chinese and one Jewish samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills,” commands the emperor.
The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box and releases a fly. He draws his
sword and Swish! The fly falls to the floor cut clean in two.
The Chinese samurai smiles then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He draws his sword.
Swish! Swish! The fly falls to the floor neatly quartered.
The Jewish samurai steps forward releases a fly and draws his sword. SWOOSH! The
speed of his sword creates a gust of wind. The fly lets out a high-pitched squeak, but
continues to fly around.
“What kind of skill is this?” asks the emperor. “The fly isn't even dead.”
“Dead schmead,” replies the Jewish samurai. "Any one can do dead, that’s easy. But,
circumcision... that takes skill!”

Confucius says:

• He who sit on stool, smell like shit.
• He who throw dirt, losing ground.
• A man may have more hair on chest than woman, but women have more hair on
the whole.
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but more fun for boy to park meat in girl.
• A man should learn to masturbate as technique come in handy.
• Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

A Lawyer in a bar

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract
upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you
doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The
bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Q: Have you heard about the Iraqi army exercise program?
A: Each morning they raise their hands above your head a leave them there.
Q: Why is it so easy to become an Iraqi fighter pilot?
A: You only have to learn how to take off.
Q: What is Iraqi national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How can you spot an insomniac crab?
A: It only sleeps in snatches...

Dogs name

A man is out walking his dog when a woman stops to admire it.
"What's your dog's name?" she asks.
"Herpes," replies the guy.
"That’s an unusual name," says the woman. "Why do you call him that?"
"Because," says the guy, "he won't heel."

What a Turkey

A lady is looking at the frozen turkeys in a supermarket. She can’t find one that’s big
enough for her family so she asks a kid that’s stocking shelves, “Do these turkeys get
any bigger?”
The kid replies, “No love, they stop growing when they're dead!”

TV Remote

While waiting in supermarket checkout queue, I noticed that the woman in front of me
fumbling in her handbag for her purse. As she rummaged in the bag a TV remote feel
out. Picking it up for the flustered lady I asked, “Do you always carry your TV remote?”
“No,” she replied, “my husband refused help me with the shopping with me, so I figure
this was the best way to make sure he gets some exercise.”

A Bakers life

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the
occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns
usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of
him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die.
They just keep on making more dough.
A French woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bar man says “Hey, you
can’t bring that pig in here!” “Excuses me,” says the French woman, “it’s a duck!” The bar
man says, “I was talking to the duck!”

Nice guy?

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they
were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced
nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said
the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500
hours of community service?"
Did you hear about the two dyslexic bank robbers?
They walked into a bank and shouted, “Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck
up!”
Two rats are in a sewer. First turns to the second and says, “I hate eating this shit.” His
mate replies, “Don't worry, we're on the piss tonight.”
Some Blonde soldiers have been seen with bags of sand and cement. A military
spokesman has said that they are planning to launch a mortar attack.

Making Babies

An eight year old comes home from school and says to her mother, “Mum, Guess what?
We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, a little surprised, asks fearfully, “That’s interesting and how do you make
babies?”
“It’s simple,” replies the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘ies’.”

Psychic phenomena.

A professor is lecturing his students on psychic phenomena. As part of the talk he gives
details about a woman who contacts the police working on a missing-persons case. “She
gives an amazingly detailed description of where to find the body,” the professor says.
“In fact, the detectives find the body just as she’s described it. Now who can tell me
what that kind of person is called?”
While most of the students ponder the question a hand is quickly raised and a reply
given, “Professor. A suspect!”

Q and A Jokes

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick with stop sucking your blood when you die.
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock.
Q: How to tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What's the best way to save a marriage?
A: Get a divorce lawyer to quote a price!
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Hey! There are some things a pig just won't do!
Q: How do you stop an advancing Iraqi tank?
A: Shoot the guy who's pushing it.
Q: Why are there so many flower gardens in England's Tower of London?
A: Because the Tower of London is the home of the ‘Bee Feeders.’

The midget

The horny midget found that the best way to ‘get off’ with women was to use the direct
approach. So he goes up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and says, “Hey, baby,
what do you say to a little fuck?”
She looked down at him and replies, “Hello, little fuck!”

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and says, "I, need, to see
the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity,
maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two
months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Young woman

A young woman is having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a
weight problem. As she removed her knickers she blushes. “I'm so ashamed, Doctor,” she
says, “I guess I let myself go.”
While the physicians checks hers eyes and ears he says, “Don't feel ashamed Miss. You
look fine.”
“Do you really think so?" she asks.
The doctor holds a tongue depressor in front of her face and says, “Of course. Now
open your mouth and say moo.”

The show off ape

An ape lives in the jungle with all his mates. He’s a special ape, a bit of a show off,
always swinging through the trees performing stunts and acrobatics. All is well until one
day he has a serious fall. He lands badly breaks both his knees. Well his mates are
gutted, and so they rally around and carry him to a doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, “Sorry pal your acrobatic days are over. Unless,
unless we can get two replacement knee caps.” Well kneecaps replacements are hard to
find in the jungle, so the animals have a whip round. They raise the princely sum of 1
penny. They give the money to a tiger and send him to the nearest medical supply centre.
The tiger treks for days with the money, but eventually finds the centre. When he gets
to the front of the queue he pulls out the cash and says, “Do you have two ape knees for
a penny?”

The end is near

Two guys are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
“The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!”
They hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the next bend the guys hear the screeching of tires, a scream and then a
big splash.
“Do you think,” says one of the guys to his pal, “we should just change the sign to ‘Bridge
Out’ instead?”
A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a “Large glass of A-positive blood.”
The bartender looks him and says, “Sorry mate, but we don't serve your type here.”
“Do you want a game of Darts?” a guy says to a mate.
“OK then.” His pal replies. “Nearest to the bull starts.”
“Yea.”
“Moo.” Says the pal, “I think I’m closest.”
I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris.”
He said “Eurostar?”
I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.”
A guy says to his Gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
“How flexible are you?” asks the instructor.
“Well” says the guy, “I can't make Tuesdays.”
Saddam’s doctor calls a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes at a secret location.
“Well Men, I've got some good news and some bad news!”
“The good news is Saddam is alive!”
“The bad news is he lost an arm, and the operations start tonight!”
At a paternity trial a blonde’s lawyer asks, “On the night of July 16th, at 11:45 pm, in the
location generally known as ‘Lover's Lane’ did the defendant have sexual relations with
you?”
“Yes,” whispered the blonde.
“And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?”
the lawyer continues.
“Oh no,” she replies, “I'm pretty sure he had a Volvo.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left tibia is shorter than the
right one. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I’d probably limp as well.”
A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist, “Do you sell extra large size
condoms here?”
“Yes we do.” He replies, “Would you like to buy some?”
“No thanks.” She says, “but would you mind if I wait around here until I meet a guy who
does?”

Hell

A young lady comes home from a date and is rather sad.
“What’s wrong?” asks her mother.
“O, Tony proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” asks her mum.
“Because he’s an atheist and doesn’t want a church wedding. He doesn't even believe
there's a Hell!”
“Marry him anyway.” The mother replies. “I’m sure we'll be able to change his mind on
that!”

Virus alert!

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called
the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced Anti-Virus programs cannot take care of,
so be warned. It appears to affect people who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mails.
3. Causes you to send e-mails to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book are.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

The clone

A human clone with three eyes, no arms, and one leg escapes from a secret English lab.
To run away as quickly as possible he decides to hitchhike. A truck driver pulls over, rolls
down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! Hop in!"
Q: What do you call a girl that pretends to be someone they are not?
A: Emma Taters.

Gifts

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this
lavish gift, a friend asks, "I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," replies the guy. "But where in the hell am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Noisy Neighbours.

A Scottish guy goes to study at an English university and is living in the hall of
residence. After he’s been there a month his mother comes to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asks.
"Mother," he replies, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps
banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams and screams all night!"
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Simple, I do nothing. I just sit here quietly and play my bagpipes."

Sinner …

A girl kneels in the confessional and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice today I have gazed at myself in the
mirror and said how beautiful I look."
The priest turns, takes a look at the girl, and says, "I have good news for you. That isn't
a sin it's merely a mistake."

Seven Glad Hearts In A Day

A rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven
hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but
Seven?"
"Hey" says the rabbi, "do you think I do this for free?"

69

A girl takes a guy home to her apartment one night. She so hot that, as soon as they get
inside she suggests that they do "69". "What’s that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your
head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin
the moment he agrees. The second they get in to the position, she lets rip with a massive
a fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." She says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets loose with a total stinker!
The guy gets up and put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy replies, " If that’s 1 and 2 you’ve got to be crazy if you think I’m sticking around
for the other 67! "

The Elephant

An Elephant is drinking at a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant
ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across to the other riverbank.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a bit out of my trunk 20 years
ago."
"Wow, that’s some memory you’ve got!" says the giraffe.
"Yea," says the elephant. "I guess you could say I’ve got Turtle recall."

Jesus is out there

A little boy is afraid of the dark. One night his mother asks him to go out to the back
porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turns to his mother and says, "Mum, I don't want to go out there. It's
dark."
The mother smiles reassuringly at her son. "Don't be afraid of the dark," she says.
"Jesus is out there and he'll protect you."
The little boy looks at his mother real hard and asks, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he’s always ready to help when you need him. "
The little boy thinks about his mother’s words for a minute and then goes to the back
door. Opening it a little and peering into the darkness, he says, "Jesus? If you're out
there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Is sex a sin?

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not
permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had
given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that
sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their
small children. “You all have obsessions,” he says.
To the first mother he says, “You’re obsessed with eating. So you’ve named your
daughter Candy.”
To the second Mum he says, “You’re obsessed is with money. So you’ve you’re your
daughter Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom and says, “Your obsession is with alcohol. So you’ve named
your child Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, gets up, takes her son by the hand and whispers. “Come
on, Dick, we're leaving!”

Three Samurai

The emperor Japan advertises for a new Samurai warrior. Only three guys apply for the
job, one Japanese, one Chinese and one Jewish samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills,” commands the emperor.
The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box and releases a fly. He draws his
sword and Swish! The fly falls to the floor cut clean in two.
The Chinese samurai smiles then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He draws his sword.
Swish! Swish! The fly falls to the floor neatly quartered.
The Jewish samurai steps forward releases a fly and draws his sword. SWOOSH! The
speed of his sword creates a gust of wind. The fly lets out a high-pitched squeak, but
continues to fly around.
“What kind of skill is this?” asks the emperor. “The fly isn't even dead.”
“Dead schmead,” replies the Jewish samurai. "Any one can do dead, that’s easy. But,
circumcision... that takes skill!”

Confucius says:

• He who sit on stool, smell like shit.
• He who throw dirt, losing ground.
• A man may have more hair on chest than woman, but women have more hair on
the whole.
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but more fun for boy to park meat in girl.
• A man should learn to masturbate as technique come in handy.
• Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

A Lawyer in a bar

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract
upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you
doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The
bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Q: Have you heard about the Iraqi army exercise program?
A: Each morning they raise their hands above your head a leave them there.
Q: Why is it so easy to become an Iraqi fighter pilot?
A: You only have to learn how to take off.
Q: What is Iraqi national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How can you spot an insomniac crab?
A: It only sleeps in snatches...

Dogs name

A man is out walking his dog when a woman stops to admire it.
"What's your dog's name?" she asks.
"Herpes," replies the guy.
"That’s an unusual name," says the woman. "Why do you call him that?"
"Because," says the guy, "he won't heel."

Teach them the ropes young

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favourite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"
"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to
work a little late at the office tonight'."

The dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's
apartment. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He
then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, somewhat surprised says, “Might be, I’ll tell you latter ... what make you say
that?”
The girl replies, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are finish, the girl says,
“Now I’m certain you’re a great dentist.”
“OK I am.” replies the guy. “How do you know?”
“Simple” girl replies, "I didn't feel a thing!"

Sherlock Holmes

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes says as he passes three women eating bananas.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asks.
"No", replies Holmes, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world do you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun is eating the banana by holding it one hand and
using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces. The
prostitute", he continues, "grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into
her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaims. "But how do you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

The Laundry

A woman sends her clothing out to the laundry one a week. When they come back she
notices there are still stains on her knickers. So next week she encloses a note to the
laundry that says, "Please use more soap on knickers."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally, fed up with the notes the laundry replies, "Please. Use more paper on arse!"

More words of wisdom …

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives
a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we
are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are
not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

The birds

A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He’s doing a piece on the
aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section
of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion,
“Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird crapped your his head?” asks the reporter.
“Hum”, says the punk as he thinks for a moment, “Well I certainly wouldn’t take her out
again!”

Gypsy Love

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have
turned green. The doctor examines her and asks, “Have you been having sex with a
Gypsy?”
“That’s amazing” replies the woman, “Yes I have.”
“Well” says the doc “tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!”

The genie …

A woman is walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an old looking bottle. She
picks it up and rubs it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appears. The amazed woman asks, “Do I
get three wishes?” The Genie replies, “Nope. Three-wish from genies is the stuff of
fairy tales. You only get one wish, so what'll it be?”
The woman doesn’t hesitate. She says, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I
want these countries to stop fighting and all the Arabs to love all the Jews and viceversa.
It’ll transform the world and bring peace and harmony!”
The Genie takes a look at the map and exclaims, “Hey Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’ve been in this a bottle for five
hundred years and I’m a little out of shape. Is there something you could wish for that’s
a bit smaller?”
The woman thinks for a minute and says, “Well, I've never been able to find the right
man. So find me a man that’s considerate, fun, likes to cook and helps with the house
work, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for a good man.”
The Genie thinks for a minute then lets out a long sigh, “OK. Let me see that map again!”
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their
minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q: What are the three fastest means of communication?
A: Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-woman.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: There isn't time.
Q: What did the brothel closed sign say?
A: Beat it we are closed.
Q: Why is it always difficult appearing in front of the media?
A: Wouldn’t you be worried appearing at a Stress Conference!
Q: What have a condom with a hole in it and a rattlesnake got in common?
A: Its bet not to screw with either of them.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Miss Muffet have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their way.
Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.
Q: What’s the difference between an optimistic Muslim and a pessimistic one?
A: One looks on the “Sunni” side of life and the other says its “Shi'ite!"
A guy is talking to a pal about a lean spell in his love life, “You know” he says,
“If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.”
Husband: “Want a quickie?”
Wife: “As opposed to what?”
Husband: “Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love.”
Wife: “Well I can - and that's why we're not doing it.”
Wife: “Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?”
Husband: “Because I don't want to wake you.”

Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't…

Have you looked through her briefs?
• He's one hard judge!
• Counsellor, let's do it in chambers!
• His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
• Is it a penal offence?
• Better leave the handcuffs on
• For $200 an hour, she better be good!
• Can you get him to drop his suit?
• The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
• Think you can get me off

Naughty

Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and the grooms decide
to have a few beers together.
"I bet I make love to my wife, more times than you make love to you wife tonight!" says
the first groom.
"No way. I'll take that bet!" says the second.
"Right” says the first groom “When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, order the
same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love. Then we’ll know who’s
won."
The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the
waiter comes over to take their orders. The first groom says, "I'll have a full English
breakfast, and FOUR slices of toast please.”
The second groom says, "I'll also have a full English breakfast and FIVE slices of toast,
and make two of them brown!"

Bus Drivers

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't
want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the
pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver
quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his
eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other’s clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times!*
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come
all at once!"

Sex councillor

Natasha announced to the bartender, "Seems I've been informally named adviser on
'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations
with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," Natasha answered.
"During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts and I
was then told “When they wanted my f**King advice, they'd let me know."

Friends

A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her
he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he . . . puts her out. She walks back.
The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to
go out of town 15 miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her.
She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.
Third night they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the car. "I wanna fuck you".
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth. After the
humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.
She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But
there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a friend of mine from a case
of Herpes!"

Another Nudist colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to
send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know
that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and send her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The
man cuts another picture in half, but ACCIDENTALLY sends the bottom half of the
photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says . . .
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . . it makes your nose look too short!"

Q and A jokes

Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Wearing regular rocks would be far too heavy!
Q: When a man talks dirty to a woman what’s it called?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: When a woman talks dirty to a man what’s it called?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here."
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q: How can you recognize a French soldier?
A: He the one with the Sunburned armpits.
Q: What do Orange cartons and women have in common?
A: It's not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's
getting the flaps to open that count!
Q: What do you call a Museum of erotica?
A: It’s a den of antiquities!
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Thoughts on Life

The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD
any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Twelve Exercises That Nobody Needs

Jumping to conclusions
Running around in circles
Wading through paperwork
Pushing your luck
Passing the buck
Throwing your weight around
Jumping on the bandwagon
Spinning your wheels
Dragging your heels
Adding fuel to the fire
Climbing the walls
Grasping at straws

His n Hers Word definitions

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female definition: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male definition: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female definition: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male definition: A device for scanning through all 35 channels every 5 minutes.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female definition: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male definition: Agreeing not to pick up other women when you are out with your
girlfriend.

Guiding principles for life …

Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she’s God and you don’t!
• If you think you’ve got a handle on life, be careful it doesn’t brake!
• The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.
• Remember Rehab is for Quitters.
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!
• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• All generalizations are false
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• I have the body of a god: Buddha
• Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the
Universe together
• If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?
• Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist!
• Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!
• Death to all fanatics!!
• A pessimist is never disappointed
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do

The nudist colony

A married couple go to a nudist colony with their four-year-old son. The son asks, "Dad,
why do some men have big knobs and others little ones?"
The father, not wishing to get into a discussion, replies, "The Men with the big knobs are
smart and the Men with the little ones are dumb."
The little boy accepts the explanation and doesn’t ask any more questions.
A little while later the father is looking for his wife and can’t find her.
So he asks his son, “Do you know where mummy is?”
“Sure” replies the boy, "She's behind the bushes with this really dumb guy who is
getting smarter by the minute!"

Fine Wine Rules

For Men: "Women are like fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating. As
they age they turn full-bodied and often go sour and vinegary, this usually leads to a
very bad headache."
Woman's Wine rule: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them. They are best kept in the dark until they mature into something
with which we'd like to have dinner."

The truck and the tollbooth

A truck driver looses control of his vehicle and smashes straight into an empty
tollbooth. He climbs down from his cab to survey the wreckage and sees that the booth
is completely in bits. A couple of minutes latter a van pulls up with a clean up crew.
The workers pick up the tollbooth pieces, spread a creamy white substance on then and
then begin fitting them together. In less than an hour they have the tollbooth
reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" says the truck driver to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief replies, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Two attorneys

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes
late. “Finally, I’m here” says the guy that’s arriving.
"What kept you?" asks his pal.
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No” he replies “the kid had it under his coat."

Checking her gender

A pretty young girl moves into town and she is totally resistant to any advances from the
local guys. She’s so cold that some guys start to speculate that she might even be a man
having a sex change!
One guy finally talks her into going to the movies with him. As they’re driving back from
the film, she explains that she urgently needs to use the bathroom. So she jumps out of
the car and squats in the bushes. The guy figures it’s a great chance to check her out.
So he sneaks around the back of the car and sure enough there’s a long thing hanging
down between her legs! “Got you,” he yells as he reaches out and grabs it. At this point
girl shouts "You didn't tell me you where a peeping Tom!"
“Yea” replies the guy, "And you didn't tell me you were taking a shit."

The surgeon

A surgeon is finishing up an operation when the patient wakes up. He then sits up and
demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," says the surgeon.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
“OK” says the doctor as he hands him the needle, "Suture self."

FRENCH JOKES

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, they've never tried it.
Q: What does the new French national flag look like?
A: It's a white cross on a white background.
Q: Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: What's the difference between a Wonder bra and the French World Cup squad?
A: A Wonder bra has decent support - and a cup.
Q: What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q: How do you define confusion?
A: Father's Day in Paris.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Flop
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: How to say "I surrender" in German.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
Q: How would you describe the death of an HTML programmer's pet rodent?
A: Mouseover.
A guy is staying at a guesthouse, when one morning the land lay asks him,
“What's the difference between a shower curtain and a toilet paper?”
“I don't know.” Says the guy.
“Oh, so it was you. Pack you bags and leave you dirty Bastard!”

Baldness cure

A guy that’s a little thin on top visits the barbers. Once he’s had a trim he asks the
barber, “Any suggestions on how to treat my baldness?” After a brief pause the barber
leans over and confides, “The best cure that I’ve come across is female love juice”
"But you're balder than I am," protests the customer.
"Yea," admits the barber, "but I've got one hell of a moustache!"

The Inland Revenue Genie

A guy is ship wrecked and washes up on a tropical island. After surveying the island he
finds plenty of food and water, but is totally alone.
After a few days he finds an old looking bottle washed up on the seashore. When he
opens it a Genie appears and says, “I’m the inland revenue Genie. I represent the British
Government and I’ll give you one wish.”
“Hum”, says the guy, “I’ve got plenty of food and water, but I’m really lonely. I wish I
had beautiful women here that will want and need me."
Whoosh! In a puff of smoke the Genie vanishes and beautiful woman appears totally
naked.
“Hi baby, how about some sex?” says the guy.
“Sorry says not right now,” says the woman pointing to a tampon string hanging from
between her legs.
“God Dam” says the guy, “That’s just typical of the Government. When they give you
something there’s always a Bloody string attached!”

The perfect woman

A guy goes to see his shrink, and the shrink asks, “What do you look for in a woman?”
"Big Boobs." Replies the guy.
"No, I mean for a serious relationship." Replies the shrink.
"Oh, if its going to be serious, very big boobs."
"No, no, no. I mean what would you look for, in the one woman you want to spend the rest
of your life with?"
The guy just sits on the couch and bursts out laughing. "Hey Doc. No woman's Boobs are
that big!"
Q: What chat up line did Pinocchio use to pick up Barbie?
A: Hi Barbie for the night of your life, come and sit on my face and lie to me!

Relatives

A married couple have been driving in the country without speaking for half an hour, an
earlier argument having led to the frosty atmosphere.
As they pass a field full of pigs, the husband sarcastically asks, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replies, "In-laws."

The Perfect Mate

Three women are talking about their ideal of the perfect mate. The youngest says,
"My perfect mate must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and keep me company in the long
winter evenings"
Her mother’s friend replies, "If what you’re looking for get a TV!"

Lizards

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, " A double whiskey for me,” and pointing to the lizard,
"A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asks the bartender.
“O” The man answers, ... "Because he's my newt."
Q: If someone starts cyber squatting on you web address what should you do?
A: Call in the Bailiffs, and e-victim!
Q: What’s the best email software for Easter?
A: The most Egg-cellent program is definitely Microsoft Eggs-press!

King Cole

Old King Cole, you know the one - the merry old soul, issues an order to his cooks.
"From now on, all chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise."
To this day his decree is still in place known as... Cole's Law.

Poker

The lion is complaining a tiger about his losses at poker.
"What do you expect," says the tiger. "You were playing a cheetah."

Goats

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the
other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, . . . but it's not as good as the book."

The Clone

After a lot of experiments a scientist finally succeeds in cloning himself. The trouble is,
all his clone will do was sit around and curse all day.
After a week of ‘F this and F that’ the scientist is totally fed up with his clone. So the
next time the clone is near the window, on the 10th floor, he pushes him out!
A short time later there’s a knock at the door. Amazingly it’s the clone, still cursing, and
a policeman.
“Something wrong?” asks the scientist.
“Yes”, says the copper, "I'm going to have to arrest you for making an obscene clone
fall!"

What a smell

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina.
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lie on
the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman, "what are you going to do with that?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It bloody stinks in here."

Young lovers

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get
there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he’s back inside, he says, "Honey, my
hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and say,
"Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and
again that helps.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the
night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "God Damn, don't your ears ever get cold?"

PUNS

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A boiled egg for lunch is hard to beat.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Make way for fools

A professor is walking along a very narrow street when he comes face to face with a
rival. The street is too narrow for two people to pass. The rival pulls himself up to his
full height, says sarcastically, "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor steps and says, "O, I always do!"

A Prostitutes going rate

A man gets home and finds his wife packing a suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas.” She replies, “I’ve heard that prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do with you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband
packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm going to Vegas as well. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

Confucius says:

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
A streakier is someone who is unsuited for his work.
He who gives oral sex to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

The evil Sergeant

A guy is standing in line waiting to get his Army discharge papers. Suddenly the meanest
sergeant in the regiment marches up to him and shouts, "Once your discharged, I bet
you'll be waiting for me to die, so you dance on my grave?"
"No Sergeant." Replies the private "When I get out of the Army, I’m never going to
stand in line again."
Q: How do you know when the wife about to say something smart?
A: The sentence begins with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the cooker!
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Women never have their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
which one should you let in first?
A: The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorcee.
Q: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
A: Always.
Q: If a guy hasn't spoken to his wife for 18 months why is that?
A: He doesn’t like to interrupt her.
Q: What food seriously diminishes a woman's sex drive?
A: Wedding cake

The barbeque Blonde

A blonde goes into a local super-market with a disposable barbeque that she bought the
day before. The picture on the carton shows loads of succulent food. When she gets to
the customer service desk she starts complaining that there’s no food inside!
The assistant patiently explains, “It’s a disposable barbeque tray. There’s supposed to
be no food inside.”
"OK. I understand." says the blonde. "One more question. Does that mean I can take the
other one out of the freezer?”

Anti-men Jokes

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
A: Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the grass.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364
days?
A: The card.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
Q: If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men float better then women?
A: 'Cause men are scum!
Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains.
Q: Why did the blonde refuse to go in a submarine?
A: She was worried it might sink
Q: What do you call a girl who commits petty crimes.
A: Miss Demeaner
Q: What do you call a girl that can’t shoot straight?
A: Miss Fire
Q: What will happen if Satan ever loses his hair?
A: There'll be hell toupee!
Q: What's the meaning of the term "Egghead"?
A: Its something that Mrs. Dumpty does for Mr. Humpty.
End

What’s that disease?

A guy picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, his toes are dreadful deformed.
"Eeek!" says the girl.
"Don’t worry,” says the guy, “I used to have toe-lio."
"You mean polio?"
"No, toe-lio." Says the guy as he continues to undress. When he takes off his pants, his
knees are horribly deformed.
"Eeek!" says the girl.
"Don’t worry,” says the guy, “I used to have the knee-sles."
"You mean measles?"
"No, knee-sles." Says the guy as he continues to undress. When he takes off his
underpants the girl says, "Don't tell me. Small-cocks!"

Silly Cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when
its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its
tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right
hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and
milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up
to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her
that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

ALCOHOL WARNINGS

The government have decided that young women are not getting the message on
excessive drinking. So a special think tank hove come up with some new message that will
shortly be appearing on alcohol contains.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu
powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on
the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space
continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Words of wisdom

The wise old Mother Superior from the convent in Tipperary was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk
to drink, but she refused it. Then, one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. She returned to the Mother
Superior's bed and held the glass to her pale, bloodless lips. Mother took a little sip,
then a little more. Before they knew it, she'd drank the whole glass down to the last
drop. "Mother," the nun asked in earnest, "Please give us a word of wisdom before you
leave us to go to your well-deserved reward."
The stricken Mother painfully raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face
said, "Don't sell that cow!"

Three Blonde guys

Three BLONDE guys are talking in a bar.
The first guy says, "My wife is so daft, she bought 20 pounds of meat and we don't even
have a freezer!"
The second guy says, "My wife is so daft, she bought a video recorder and we don’t have
a TV!"
The third guy says, "That's nothing, my wife is so daft, she packs boxes of condoms for
her trips away and she doesn't even have a dick!"

Hat trouble

A guy’s walks down the street when a strong gust of wind blows his hat off.
When he finally catches up with it a dog is chewing it. So the guy complains to the
owner, “Look at that!”
“What?” the owner replies.
"Hey! I don't like your attitude!" says the guy scowling.
"It's not my 'at 'e chewed, mate. It' yours!"

Help me help me!

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this
sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms
around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Light my Fire

Two guys are sitting in a coffee shop opposite a fire station. Suddenly the Fire
Station’s Alarm goes off and one of the guys jumps up and headed for the door. His
mate shouted, "Hey, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
"I'm not,” shouts the guy that’s leaving, “but my girlfriend's husband is..."
Q: What do you call two Spaniards playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: All things worth having are expensive.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

First Time

A guy picks up a girl in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. While they are
relaxing after some hot sex the guy asks, "Am I the first man you’ve made love with?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and then replies. "You might be, your face
looks kind of familiar."

Fallen seeks something to raise

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove
the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving
around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign that now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

Two people in one grave?

A woman and her son are visiting a graveyard. While walking through the cemetery back
to the car, the boy asks, "Mom, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not," replies the mother. "Why would you think that?"
"O, because a tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
A: There's correction fluid on the screen


When it was announced that a blonde girl was 3 months pregnant, there were theories
that it was a grudge pregnancy! Apparently a lot of people reckon someone must have
had it in for her boy friend!
Did you hear about the blonde that was too afraid to go to the world cup?
Apparently she's worried she might drown in the Mexican Wave
Did you hear about the blonde girl whose limo broke down? Apparently the driver asked
her to get out and check that the hazard lights were working.
“Are they on?” asked the driver
She replies “yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no”
Apparently the cost ode medical textbooks are rocketing.
One student training to be a surgeon said, “They cost and arm and a leg”
End

News flash …

Athens Olympic organizers are saying that they have captured the Olympic spirit as
they launched a perfume of the same. The perfume is basically steroid saturated butt
sweat with a hint of daisies.
A sanitized version of Sex and the City is to be broadcast on daytime TV. The episodes
will air on Friday afternoons from 3 pm to 3:07 pm.

Question for the nurse

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over
His mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash
your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over
to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bed
clothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right
good look, pulled up the pyjama, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong
with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?”

Sperm bank

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and have an I.Q. of 165.
I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a
private room. Twenty minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the
door. "Is there a problem?" "I'm so embarrassed, I’ve used my right hand. I’ve used my
left hand. I’ve poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replies, "I don't usually do this but you’re kind of cute..." She gets on her
knees and gives him a blowjob. The guy says “O, God! I really appreciate this, but I need
help getting the cap off the jar!"

Newly weds

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the arse."

Little bastards

The lovers passionately embraced in bed, their bodies fused together. The woman
cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the
bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned
back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with
a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his
hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky
moths," the lover replied.
"But… but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards,
they work so fast!"

Rugby players

A huge guy goes to try out for his University Rugby team. "Can you tackle?" asks the
coach.
"Sure, watch this," the freshman replies, as he ran smack into a telephone pole,
shattering it to splinters.
"Wow, I'm impressed," says the coach. "Can you run?"
"Of course," says the freshman, as speeds off like a bolt of lightning and completes a
hundred yard dash in 10 seconds.
"That's great,“ says the coach with enthusiasm,” but can you pass a rugby ball?”
Rolling his eyes and hesitating for a moment, the freshman replies, "Hey, if I can swallow
it, I can pass it!"

How many sex positions are there?

I was having a discussion with a friend a while back when she claimed there are 69
positions. I felt that in fact there are only 68, and bet her £50, on condition that she
prove it.
She accepted my bet, and we arranged to set aside the next weekend to settle the
matter.
We warmed up in a 69, my favourite number, and then got down to serious business. We
did it doggy style, we did it several ways in a chair, we did it standing up.
We spooned, we did it in full and half lotus, and we did the wheelbarrow. We had sex in
ways I can't remember, and often we would return to 69 to re-lubricate. Late Sunday
evening we had tried 66 positions, and my friend could not think of any more. She asked
me if I could think of any we'd missed, and being a gentleman
I replied, "Well, there's head to toe."
She lay on the bed, legs slightly apart, and I got on top, taking a big toe in my mouth to
add to her pleasure. Suddenly she remembered the airplane position, and told me to spin
slowly like a propeller, maintaining penetration all the while. This eventually brought us
into... the missionary position. Best fifty quid I ever lost.

Wife’s sex with my best friend!

A man is feeling very depressed, so he walked into a bar and orders a triple scotch
whiskey.
As the bartender pours him the drink he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's
wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I’ve just found my wife having sex with
my best friend."
"Wow," exclaims the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second one is on the house."
As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks, "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye and told her
that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replies, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD
DOG!'"

Problems?

A young couple decided to get married and as they approach the big day they become
increasing apprehensive. Each has a problem they’ve never shared with anyone else!
The Groom decides to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he says, "I’m concerned about the success of my marriage."
"Why is that son?"
"I have this problem. I have really smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancé will be put
off by them."
"Don’t worry," says dad, "Wash your feet very day, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well this seemed a workable solution.
The bride decides to ask her mom for advice.
"Mom," she says, "I’m concerned about the success of my marriage."
"Why is that?"
"I have a problem. When I wake up in the morning I have really breath!”
"Honey," her mother consoles, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the
same room with me."
“No problem,” says mum, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the
kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating go to bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," thinks the girl.
The couple are finally married. Not forgetting the advice of each parent, the husband
always wears socks and the wife keeps silent until she’s brushed her teeth.
Every thing is fine until one morning the husband wakes with a start and finds that one
of his socks had come off! Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "You've swallowed one of my socks!"


Q: Why do men in the military have two wives?
A: Because they're in a bigamy.

Smart dog?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While drinking he looks around the bar and
sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts
watching the game. After ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the guy’s and
whispers, “Wow, that's a really smart dog!”
The man whispers back, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags
his tail!"

News flash

France announced today that it plans to ban firework displays at Euro Disney. Apparently
following last night's display a number soldiers at a nearby French army barracks ran up
a white flag and surrendered.
Q: Why are nudist wedding so popular with ladies?
A: You’ve no need to ask who the best man is!
A guy says to his wife “When I look in the mirror I see a fat balding old man. Please says
something good to me”.
The wife replies, “You’ve got great eyesight!”

Puns

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A man who got his Prit Glue Stik mixed up with his Lip balm is remaining tight-lipped
about the incident.
I fed too much coffee to my dancing fleas so they could do the jitterbug.

Fascinating fact

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Q. What have a Rubix cube and a penis got in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your pay cheque and your dick?
A. Your wife will always blow your pay cheque!
Q. What four words can be used to deflate a man's ego?
A. "Is it in yet?"

A Rabbit's Life

A lady opened her refrigerator and finds a rabbit with a lisp sitting on one of the
shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes" replies the lady.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing."

Sex shop purchase

An Essex Girl walks into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The assistant says, "Choose anything you like from our range on the wall other there."
"Hum” she says, “I'll take the red one."
“Sorry Love you can’t have that one.” Replies the assistant, "That's our fire
extinguisher."