Q and A

Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub
Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?
A: Because it is off and running
Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan
Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?
A: Horsing around
Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?
A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?
A: He wanted to be a copycat.
Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?
A: He wasn’t a mourning person.
Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint
collided?
A: The survivors were marooned!
Q: Why are giraffes snobs?
A: Because they look down on everyone.
Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?
A: A dirty double crosser
Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?
A: Never having to say you are sorry

Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”

Old couple

An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies
on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”

Airplane charm

A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a
gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring
at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my
airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”

Historical

A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”

Viagra Eye drops

Scientists have been experimenting with a new form of Viagra. The new product, taken
as eye drops, doesn’t give you an erection, but it doesn’t half make you look hard!

The Middle East

A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride
with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the
Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know,
have we tried that one yet?”

The maid

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid
takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”
“You mean paltry.”
“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”

The Doctor’s appointment.

pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.”
“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to
squeeze you in.”
“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”
Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O’Burt.

A Wish

“And what would you like?”
“A penis!”
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”
“A penis!!”
“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish
for the world is happiness!”

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom
deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant
and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a
regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container
instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Two Hookers

Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some
business.
“So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” asked the first.
“No,” replied the second, “but I’ve been grabbed by the tits a few times.”

Pussy and bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, Mom I've got a problem.
OK. Tell me. Says his mum.
The boys at school are using two words I doesn’t understand.
So what are they?
Well, pussy and bitch. Says the boy.
Oh that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat, and bitch is a female dog.
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the garage. He says, Dad the boys at school are
using words I don't understand. I asked mum and I don’t think she told me the exact
meaning.
What are the words? He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, OK, and pulls a copy of Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and
circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, Son, everything inside this circle is
pussy.
OK, dad, so what's a bitch?
Son, he says, everything outside that circle.

Q and A

Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Answering Machine Messages

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name
and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here.
So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you
didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you
are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it
instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll
call sooner!
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

The 6-foot cockroach

A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens
the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It
punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the
door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of
the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?”
he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”

New shoes

A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up
their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives
he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.”
“Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny
shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock
and has to take a seat.
“Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn’t wear
knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my
shoes had a crack in it!”

T-shirt slogans

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

Ding-Dong

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to
her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her
grandfather died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, the girl says, “Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that’s asking
for trouble?” “Oh no, my dear,” replies granny. “Many years ago we realizing we should
slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring.
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong.” Wiping away a tear she continues, “and if that god dam ice cream van
hadn’t showed up, he’d still be alive today!”

The screw

It’s the late 50’s and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl’s father opens the front
door and invites him in. “She’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” says the
proud dad. “So what’s are your plans for tonight?”
“We’ll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie.” Says the young man. The father
replies, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to
repeat it.
“Yeah,” says the father, “My daughter really loves to screw; she’ll screw all night if we
let her!”
Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl
rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream’s, “Dad! The
dance is called ‘The Twist!’”