The end is near

Two guys are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
“The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!”
They hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the next bend the guys hear the screeching of tires, a scream and then a
big splash.
“Do you think,” says one of the guys to his pal, “we should just change the sign to ‘Bridge
Out’ instead?”
A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a “Large glass of A-positive blood.”
The bartender looks him and says, “Sorry mate, but we don't serve your type here.”
“Do you want a game of Darts?” a guy says to a mate.
“OK then.” His pal replies. “Nearest to the bull starts.”
“Yea.”
“Moo.” Says the pal, “I think I’m closest.”
I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris.”
He said “Eurostar?”
I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.”
A guy says to his Gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
“How flexible are you?” asks the instructor.
“Well” says the guy, “I can't make Tuesdays.”
Saddam’s doctor calls a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes at a secret location.
“Well Men, I've got some good news and some bad news!”
“The good news is Saddam is alive!”
“The bad news is he lost an arm, and the operations start tonight!”
At a paternity trial a blonde’s lawyer asks, “On the night of July 16th, at 11:45 pm, in the
location generally known as ‘Lover's Lane’ did the defendant have sexual relations with
you?”
“Yes,” whispered the blonde.
“And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?”
the lawyer continues.
“Oh no,” she replies, “I'm pretty sure he had a Volvo.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left tibia is shorter than the
right one. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I’d probably limp as well.”
A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist, “Do you sell extra large size
condoms here?”
“Yes we do.” He replies, “Would you like to buy some?”
“No thanks.” She says, “but would you mind if I wait around here until I meet a guy who
does?”