Martini?

Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Pope versus mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert
to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim
community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community.
If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won,
they'd have to convert or leave.
The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent
them in the debate.

However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic,
they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Mufti looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Mufti pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said
that the Moulana was too clever.

The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.

"He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God!

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us.

"He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right
here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all
our sins.

"He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd
won.

"I haven't a clue," the Mufti said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I
gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims
and I told him that we were staying right here!"

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
And then he walked away!"

Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"

Little 'Kids'

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."