The Clergyman and the Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came
upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding
a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the
animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one
of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest:
whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home
today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t
be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then
launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,
“Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with,
“Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through
to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he
said, “give him the dog.”

Setting Telephone Poles

The local newspaper posts an ad for experienced linesmen
needed to set new telephone poles for the phone company.
Three groups of 4 men answer the ad. The foreman in
charge says, “Good. Here’s a new truck for each group,
complete with tools and all necessary equipment. Go set
as many poles as you can in a day’s time, and the group
which sets the most poles will be hired.”
By day’s end, the first group arrives back at the maintenance
area. The foreman asks, “Well, gentlemen, how
many poles were you able to set today”?
The leader of the group replies, “Well, sir, we set 6 poles
today.” The foreman says, “That’s good. I believe the record
for a day is 9. So let’s see how the other two groups fair,
and that will determine who is hired.”
Just a short time later, the second group arrives back and
reports in. “We set 5 poles, sir, and repaired an adjacent
pole also”. The foreman says, “Good job, guys! We’re still
waiting on the last squad to return, then we’ll know who to
hire.”
Shortly before dark, the last crew returns to the maintenance
area. Their truck is all covered with mud, broken
parts hanging off, broken tools, and a flat tire.
The foreman comments, “Wow, you guys must’ve really
torn ‘em up out there! Just how many poles were you and
your crew able to set today?”
The crew leader says, “Well, sir, we set 1 pole today”.
The foreman was incredulous. “You mean to say you only
were able to set one pole all day? These two crews were
able to set 6 and 5 poles, but you could only set one?
What was the problem?”
“Well, sir,” the crew leader replied, “they may have set 5 or
6 poles... but did you see how far they stuck out of the
ground!!”

Flying Over The Fire

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was
too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by
his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer,
“and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer,
and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer
with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the
instructor?”

ACTUAL QUOTES FROM ACTUAL PRODUCTS

On a bag of Fritos:
”You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.” (The shoplifter special.)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: ”Serving suggestion:
Defrost.” (But it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
”Do not turn upside down.” (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
”Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: ”Do not iron clothes on
body.” (But wouldn’t this save more time?)
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: ”Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On most brands of Christmas lights: ”For indoor or outdoor
use only.” (As opposed to what?)

Jerks of the Highway

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a
nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man
dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of
the highway and gestures for him to stop.

He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to
eat?”
With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and
drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across
another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on
the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and
says, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to
drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can
of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides
to go faster and not to stop, no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the
road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls
down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue
jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna
have?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Beethoven Backwards

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he
leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in
the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th,
then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has
spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backwards. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker
ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if
he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s
just decomposing!”

A Ghost Story

Two guys left the bar , jumped in their car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the
passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger
screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s
face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the
window. The passenger rolled his window down part way
and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled,
“Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing
again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but
don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and
the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled.
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget
what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden
there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the
window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting
out of the mud?”

The Fire Truck

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county
fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was
more than the county fire department could handle. Someone
suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle
of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon
they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the
blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the
volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his
farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he
presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local
news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off
his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes
fixed on our fire truck!”

Two Monks Have An Idea

The monastery was having a bit of a hard time with its cash
flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to
help with all the work of the group.
Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up
a Fish & Chips stand down on the motor way, right next to
the scenic vista area so popular with tourists.
The venture was going well, and one day a tourist asked the
monk on duty, “Are you the fish friar?”
“No, sir,” exclaimed the brother, “I’m the chip monk.”

Think Again

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away - and
barefoot.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to
the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

The Resuscitated Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump
out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid
hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of
the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of
the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The
driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of
the car and asks him what’s wrong. “I feel terrible,” he
explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead
rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the
rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the
road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten
feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that
can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman
turns the can around so the man can read the label. It
says:
“Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent
wave.”

New Words in the Dictionary

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
with.

Rules of the Air

This appeared in the June issue of Australian Aviation
Magazine...
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If
you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless
you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get
bigger again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on
fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch
the pilot start sweating.
6. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A
‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane
again.
7. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full
power to taxi to the ramp.
8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps
talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains
have been known to hide out in clouds.
9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum
going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going
zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going
forward as much as possible.
12. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth
repels them.

Gems from Douglas Adams

“Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years
through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of
light then, when you return, you may have aged mere
seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged
twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending
on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound
shock, particularly if you didn’t know you had a twin
brother or sister.”
“There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers
exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even
more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory
which states that this has already happened.”
“I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it.”
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

Car Names Explained

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC- Garage Man’s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing’s
Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
PINTO - Put In New Transmission Often
PONTIAC - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks Its A Cadillac
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW - Virtually Worthless