Passport photos

Two Swedish sisters go to a photographer to get some passport pictures taken.
Being from the country they are a little unsure about what’s going to happen.
When the photographer he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and
asks, “Vots he goink to do?”
“He's goink to focus!” replies her sister.
“O, Bot of us?”

Order, Order!

Three women appear in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble in the
apartment building where they live.
The women are arguing noisily in the court and after a few minutes the judge, bangs his
hammer to quiet them down. “We are going to do this in an orderly manner.” Says the
Judge. “ I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest lady first.”
The case was dismissed due to lack of testimony.

Toasties

A Rabbit walks into a cafe and orders a toasted cheese sandwich.
As soon as it arrives he gobbles it down in a rush.
Next he then orders a toasted ham sandwich, again as soon as it arrives he gobbles it
down.
After a few minutes the rabbit starts to look green, so the Waitress asks him, “Are you
unwell?”
“Yes” replies the rabbit, “I thinks it's - Mixing me toasties!”
Q: What's the definition of a will?
A: You should know this! It’s a dead giveaway.
Q: What does a poet do when he’s walking backwards?
A: He writes inverse.
Q: Who wrote the health warning on a caviar jar?
A: The Sturgeon General.

The fridge

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
“Doc, My husband won’t come to see you, but he has a real problem.
Almost every night he dreams that he’s a refrigerator!”
“Hum”, says the doc, “That is not really a problem. A lot of people dream that they are
somebody or something unusual.”
“Well” says the woman “it’s not just a problem for him it’s a problem for me. He sleeps
with his mouth open and the little light is keeping me awake!”

Terrible Pain

A doctor is examining a gorgeous blonde girl who has a terrible pain in her abdomen.
“My dear, you have acute appendicitis,” Says the doc.
The Blonde become quite angry with this and shouts, “Could you stop hitting on me doc. I
just want to be examined, not complimented!”

Do you serve lawyers?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asks the bartender,
“Do you serve lawyers in here?”
“We sure do,” replies the bartender.
“Great,” says the man. “I’ll have a beer, and lawyer for my alligator, please”

The diet

A store manager at electronics retailer estimates that about 15% of LCD TVs are
bought for "a bathroom environment." The popularity of bathroom TVs, he claims, can be
attributed to the increased amount of time spent there by people on the Atkins diet.

Blonde driver

A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on a motorway. Glancing at the driver he’s
astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolls down his window and yells, “Pull over lady!”
“No!” the blonde replies, “It’s a scarf!”

Dreaming

A guy goes to see his doctor as he’s troubled by a strange dream. He says doc, “I keep
dreaming that I’m in the Wild West and I’m riding a brown horse. I chase after a
stagecoach and when I catch it, I jump off my horse and clime through the left door.
I then open the right door and jump out onto a white horse and ride off. What does it
mean doc?”
“Hum, interesting”, says the doctor, “Nothing to worry about. I’d just say it’s a stage
you’re going through.”
Q: What’s the favourite phrase of most arts graduates?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Sayings

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

The survey

A recent survey was carried out to see what type of women’s legs most men prefer. The
results were:
25 % said that they like fat legs
19 % said that they like skinny legs
And the rest said they prefer something in between!

English Teacher

An English teacher writes, “I ain't had no fun in months” on the black board. She then
asks her class, “OK, how should I correct that?”
The class wag replies, “Miss, Miss. Get yourself a new boyfriend!”

Puns

Her name was Penny and she wanted to change it.
Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.
Student: I am eight years old. Next year I'll benign
Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.
Student: I've had this tumour for eight years. Next year it will benign.

The Widow

A widow that had recently married to a widower, was talking to a girl friend. “I suppose,
like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first
wife?” joked the friend.
“Oh, not any more,” replied the widow.
“What stopped him?” asked the friend.
“I started talking about my next husband.”

Treats

A blonde woman strides angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expresses her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asks, “Hi. What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?”
The woman’s eyes get very large, and she whispers, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy
Treats are meant for cats?”