Alternative Definitions

Hotel Maid: A Spreadsheet expert.
Hot pants: Breaches of promise.
Q: What colour was the British ghost’s flag?
A: Red, White and Boo!
Q: Which one of King Arthur’s knights invented the round table?
A: Probably Circumference.
Q: How would you describe a really hot coffee pot?
A: I’d say its Perky.
“Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m becoming invisible!”
“Yes, I can see you’re not all there.”

Q and A

Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub
Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?
A: Because it is off and running
Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan
Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?
A: Horsing around
Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?
A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?
A: He wanted to be a copycat.
Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?
A: He wasn’t a mourning person.
Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint
collided?
A: The survivors were marooned!
Q: Why are giraffes snobs?
A: Because they look down on everyone.
Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?
A: A dirty double crosser
Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?
A: Never having to say you are sorry

Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”

Old couple

An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies
on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”

Airplane charm

A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a
gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring
at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my
airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”

Historical

A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”

Viagra Eye drops

Scientists have been experimenting with a new form of Viagra. The new product, taken
as eye drops, doesn’t give you an erection, but it doesn’t half make you look hard!

The Middle East

A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride
with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the
Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know,
have we tried that one yet?”

The maid

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid
takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”
“You mean paltry.”
“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”

The Doctor’s appointment.

pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.”
“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to
squeeze you in.”
“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”
Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O’Burt.

A Wish

“And what would you like?”
“A penis!”
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”
“A penis!!”
“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish
for the world is happiness!”

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom
deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant
and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a
regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container
instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Two Hookers

Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some
business.
“So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” asked the first.
“No,” replied the second, “but I’ve been grabbed by the tits a few times.”

Pussy and bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, Mom I've got a problem.
OK. Tell me. Says his mum.
The boys at school are using two words I doesn’t understand.
So what are they?
Well, pussy and bitch. Says the boy.
Oh that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat, and bitch is a female dog.
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the garage. He says, Dad the boys at school are
using words I don't understand. I asked mum and I don’t think she told me the exact
meaning.
What are the words? He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, OK, and pulls a copy of Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and
circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, Son, everything inside this circle is
pussy.
OK, dad, so what's a bitch?
Son, he says, everything outside that circle.

Q and A

Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.