Treats

A blonde woman strides angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expresses her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asks, “Hi. What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?”
The woman’s eyes get very large, and she whispers, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy
Treats are meant for cats?”

Confucius say:

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement
man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel down.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Man who sleep with girl on hill not on level.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.

Female logic …

A woman complains to a friend, "She told me that you told her the secret I told you not
to tell her."
"Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Cat theft

A blonde gets in her car and looks in horror and grabs her cell phone and dials 911. The
911 operator answers and says "911 what’s your emergency". She replies "Help me
someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my car". The operator asked her to explain
and she says that her dash is gone and her radio is gone and even her foot pedals are
gone. The operator tells her that they are on the way and hangs up.
About 1 minute later the blonde calls back and says, "It's me again, never mind I was in
the back seat!"

Three blondes

Three Blonds are in a bar. They keep cheering and yelling "we did it!" and "we are the
best!" After this had been going on for a while a guy comes over and asks, "what did you
do that was so great?" and they shout "We just finished a 50 piece puzzle in two months
and the box said 3 to 5 years!"

Paranoia

I travel extensively, and everywhere I go there seem to be a small band of people
determined to make my life a misery.
I'm talking about the people in front of you in the queue at the supermarkets that want
to pay their bill in 5 pence pieces. The people in front of you at the railway ticket office
who want to go on a family railcard to Cardiff, but only one parent is returning, and they
need to go on an alternate Thursday and drop one of the kids off in Glasgow on the way
back. The people who, when I am running late and my plane is about to depart, insist on
telling the only rep at the check in desk their life story. The people who stand
completely blocking pavements and shop doorways chatting to their friends about the
weather.
You know the sort of people I mean.
Now, obviously not everyone in the whole world can be setting out to make my life a
misery- you'd have to be paranoid to believe that.
So logically it must be the SAME group of people doing it.
My question is- How the F*** do they know where I'm going to be?

Silly Blonde Joke

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of capitals cities of the world.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know them all!"
Her friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of England?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! E."

Church

A parish priest has a pastime of rearing rare chickens. One day he walks into the garden
to find his prize rooster missing.
"Those thieving parishioners, I'll give them fire and brimstone on Sunday." Thinks the
priest.
Sure enough, on Sunday, the congregation get a vehement sermon on the evils of theft
etc. Certain that his sermon has done the trick and that a member of the congregation
will now own up, the priest asks,
"Has anyone here got a cock?"
All the men stand up.
"No, no. I mean, has anyone here seen a cock?"
All the women stand up.
"No, not that. Has anyone here seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stand up.
"Oh you idiots. I want to know about MY cock. Has anyone seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stand up.

Night out

A couple are dressed and ready to go for the evening out. They turn on a night-light,
turn on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and throw the cat into the
back yard.
They phoned the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives and just as the
couple open the front door to leave their house, the cat shoots in past them, They don't
want the cat shut in the house as he always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to
the taxi while the husband goes back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs; the
man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. So
she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to her mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

Face lift

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her
about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a
woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand
new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.” Over the course of the years,
the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained
young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren't bags under your eyes, they’re
your breasts!”
She said, “O well, I guess that explains the goatee beard then!”

Sex education

"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to
me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to fail her or
give her extra credit."

A student is heading home for the holidays.

When she gets to the airline counter, she presents her ticket to New York. While she
gives the agent her luggage, she says, “I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii,
and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent says, “I'm sorry, we can't do that.”
“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to
my luggage last year!”

“Brrr!”

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and
orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, and dips his head in a bloke’s beer and
goes, “Brrr!”
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke
grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says,
“Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut your balls off!”
The gremlin says, “I ain't got none!”
“Well, I'll cut off your prick!”
“I haven’t got one of them, neither,” says the gremlin.
“Well, how do you pee?”
The gremlin smiles and says, “Brrr!”

Strange but true ads

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to
get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Afternoon sex

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for some hot
sex. "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Mary's fantasy.

For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night
Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears
to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I’ll go for it. So Mary asks
the guy to come home with her.
When they get to Mary's apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks
deeply into the guy’s eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!
Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary's bedroom. Mary is hot by now and
says, “OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!”
So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the
bedposts so that she's left spread-eagle.
By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her
eyes and says, “OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!”
And would you believe it he’s does. He walks out of the bedroom into the lounge grabs
her TV and climbs out the window!

It hurts

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down
on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
many such glances from her he said, “It's golf balls.”
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, “Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?”

Message

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should come closer. When he does, she
begins to gently caress his bushy beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks softly as she continues to stroke his beard with both
hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond
his beard and into his hair.
“I'm afraid I can't”, gasps the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Sure there is. Give him a message for me” she continues huskily, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

Swimming

A beautiful woman walks into an orchard and found a lovely pool on a hot summers day.
She decides to cool off by go skinny-dipping. She looked around, doesn't see anyone, and
undresses. Just as she is about to dive in, the orchard owner appears from behind a
bush where he was hiding. He tells her, “Swimming is prohibited.”
“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolds him.
He replies, “Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.”

Good friars

The good friars were having a difficult time meeting the payments for the new belfry
they'd put in the monastery, so they decided to open a flower shop to get a little extra
cash.
They did so, and were very successful. Apparently, everyone in the village wanted to
purchase their posies from these godly men.
However, the other florist in town was severely affected financially by their success, so
he went to the good friars and asked them to please consider shutting down. They, of
course, did not, and so after a few more weeks of diminishing profits, he went again to
beg them to consider closing.
The friars, however, refused. In desperation, the other village florist contacted Hugh
McTaggart, the meanest, ugliest bully in the village, and sent him on a mission.
So Mr. McTaggart went to the flower shop and demolished it, tossing the friars about
like rag dolls, and warning them sternly that they'd better close, or he'd be back to do
worse.
Naturally, the friars closed up shop that day, and never reopened, thus proving once
again that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Buying horses

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father move
from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replies, “When I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we'd better hurry home right away.”
“Why?” says his father.
“Because I think the mail man was trying to buy Mum yesterday.”

Breakfast

One morning in a hotel breakfast room, a guest calls over the headwaiter.
“Good morning, sir!” says the waiter.
“I'd like to order two boiled eggs. One of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the
other so overcooked that it's like rubber. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast,
and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak
coffee, served at room temperature.”
The bewildered waiter says, “Sir! We can’t serve an awful breakfast like that to you!”
“Why not?” asks the guest. “That's what I got here yesterday!”

Just married

A young bridal couple go to their Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the
bride's closest friend comes over and asks her how last night went.
She replies, “I'm just so tired! All night long it was up and down, in and out, in and out.
Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!”
Who is cheating who?
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary
decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's
behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually
inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and
decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once
again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that
they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Want a bet?

A local bookie is given a parrot in lieu of some cash. The bird's vocabulary includes
phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie takes the
bird to his local pub. “He speaks four languages,” the bookie explains to the barman. The
barman looks at him with and expression of complete disbelief.
“Want bet on it?” the bookie challenges.
“Sure” says the bartender. “Ten bucks says he can’t.” The bookie turns to the parrot and
says, “Parlez-vous francais?” There’s no response. Nor was there any reply to the
question in English, Spanish and German. The barman picks up the bookie's Ten-dollar bill
from the bar and goes about his business.
Outside the bookie glares at the bird. “Your useless! I ought to ring your neck!”
“Don't be a idiot,” the parrot replies. “Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow.”
A guy says to his wife, “I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.”
His wide replies, “You wear underpants don't you?”
A guy says to his wife, “Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?”
His wide replies, “No, I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault. I ran out of money.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...Great idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

Three Morals...

A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to
the ground in a large field.
While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is
so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon
begins to sing for joy!
A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!

The Artist

A young artist works in his studio at home. He specialises in nudes, and has been working
on a masterpiece for several months.
His model shows up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she begins
to undress for the day's work. He says, “Don’t bother undressing. I don’t feel like
painting. I think I’m getting the flu. I’ll pay you for the day. But you can go home. All I
want to do is have some hot soup and then go to bed.”
The model says, “Hey, I’ll fix the soup for you. It's the least I can do.”
They’re sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying a cup of soup, when
the artist hears the front door open and close.
”Oh my god!” he whispers, “It's the wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”

The Diner

Two guys go into a diner and sit down at the counter. They order a couple of sodas and
then take sandwiches out of their packed lunches and started to eat them.
The owner sees what they are doing and says, “Guys, you can't eat your own sandwiches
in here!”
The two men stop, look at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

Texas Town Trumpets and Guns

In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns. One day a tourist
pays him a visit and says, “ Hey pal this is a strange business!”
“What do you mean strange?” says the storekeeper.
“Only selling trumpets and guns.” Replies the tourist.
“O, I find it works quite well.”
“What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?” asks the tourist.
“Its about even.” Says the storekeeper. “Each time a customer buys a trumpet I usually
one of his neighbours buys a gun!”

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman…

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a pub talking about their sons. The
Englishman says “My son was born on St George's Day so we decided to call him George.”
“That's a coincidence,” says the Scotsman. “My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we
called him Andrew.”
“That's an amazing coincidence,” says the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened
with my son Pancake.”

It makes sense

A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, “Ok, let's see your act.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the
walnuts on his head and then smashes them with the hammer.
“Well, what do you think?” he asks the agent.
Stunned the agent asks, “That's your act?”
“Yep.” Says the guy.
“So what else have you got in the black bag?”
"An Aspirin.”

Public hairs

A husband and his wife decide to rent a room to a young student. When she arrives the
wife explains, “We haven't got a bathroom. So when you want a bath you’ll have to use a
tin bath that is next to the fireplace. I suggest you take your bath on Monday evenings,
as my husband goes out with his friends that night.”
Next Monday the girl undressing near the fireplace and the wife notes that she hasn't
any pubic hair. The following morning the wife tells her husband.
“That student girl’s go no pubic hair!”
“I don’t believe it!” he says.
“It’s true,” says the wife, “Next week I’ll keep leave a gap between the curtains so you
can see!”
Next Monday the girl takes her bath and the wife asks, “Do you shaves your pubic hair?”
“Oh, no. I have never had any.” Says the girl. “Do you have hairs there?”
“Sure” says the wife as she lifts her skirt to show her.
The next morning the wife asks her husband, “Did you see?”
“Sure I did. But why did you show her yours?”
“Oh... what’s the problem with that? You’ve seen it hundreds of times!”
“Yea that’s true” says the husband, “ but all my god dam friends HAVEN’T!”

The Hospital Inspector

A hospital inspector is visiting the local hospital. During her tour she passes a room
where a male patient is masturbating.
“Oh my GOD!” says the woman. “That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?”
The doctor who is leading the tour explains, “This man has a very serious condition. His
testicles rapidly fill with semen and if he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll
explode and he’ll die within minutes.”
"Oh ok," says the inspector. In the very next room they can see a female nurse giving a
male patient a blowjob.
OH my GOD!" says the woman, “Now how do you explain that?”
The doctor smiles and replies, “Same illness, better health insurance.”

Twenty-Two Things You Should Know

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you
need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make
it again.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

100th Birthday party

An old man is relaxing at his one-hundredth-birthday party, when a reporter asks him.
“Excuse me Sir, what’s the secret of your long life?”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “At 9 PM every night I have a glass of
port. Its good for our Heart!”
The reporter replies, “That's ALL?”
The man smiles, “Yea well that, and cancelling my voyage on Titanic!”

Nail, Screw or Bolt?

“What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the woodwork teacher
asked Judi, the only girl in the class. Judi thought for a minute and then replied,
“Hum. I don’t know. I’ve ain't never been bolted.”
As the X-Ray technician walked down the aisle with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse
whispered to a doctor. I never could figure out what she saw in him!”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.”
“Well hope up on the couch and I'll examine you.”
“I’m sorry I can't Doc. I'm not allowed on the furniture.”

Blondes

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together, together!”

Talking dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house, “Talking Dog for Sale.” So he rings the bell and the
owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“Can you talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to
help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country. I’d sit in a room with various people, spies, world
leaders etc. and because no one figured that I could talk. I was one of their most
valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I got married had a mass of
puppies, and now I'm retired.”
The guy is amazed so he asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten bucks.”
The guy says, “That dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
The owner replies, “He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!”

An honourable profession

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 bill on the collection plate. This went on for
weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her. “Sister, I couldn't help
but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he says.
“Why yes,” she replies, “every week my son sends me money. What I don't need I give to
the church.”
“That's wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $20,000 a week.”
“Wow, your son must be very successful businessman. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a Vet,” she answers.
“That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?”
“O, well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

The definition of Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

The inflatable pupil

 An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and he’s having a really bad day. Bored in
his history lesson, he gets up and walks out of class. Walking down the corridor, he sees
the inflatable headmaster and he pulls out a knife and stabs him! He runs along the
corridor and as he gets outside he thinks, “I hate school”. He then pull out his knife and
stabs the school as well! Decides to go to his inflatable home and runs off.
Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking on his inflatable bedroom door with the
inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself!
Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable
headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow
than in anger, the headmaster gravely says, “You boy have let me down, you've let the
school down and but worst of all you've let yourself down!”

How long before sex?

A surgeon goes to see a young female patient the day after performing an operation on
her. She seems slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed so the doctor she asks, “What's
wrong?”
“Well this is a bit of an embarrassing question, but how long will it be before I can
resume my normal sex life?”
“Hum!” gasps the doctor, as he looks thoughtful.
“I hadn't really thought about that. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a
tonsillectomy!”
Q: How can you tell that the British house of parliament is follow of dicks?
A: Every one there is called an honourable member!

Two Tigers

Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.
The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments
later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just
below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start a fight so
lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides
to confront the other tiger and asks, “Did you just lick arse?”
The other tiger replies, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to
get rid of the taste!”

Stinky

A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few moments he
turns to her and says, “God dam your pussy smells!”
The woman is disgusted and says, “It does not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then!”

Ricin

Police have closed down a number supermarkets after a terrorist alert. Apparently,
officers in protective clothing have been seen removing all Chinese meals. A police
spokesman said, “We’ve had a tip off that some of these meals have Ricin.”

Dirty Dave’s Problem Page – Some times fact is stranger than fiction …

 Dear Dave,
I've just got a new girl friend and the sex is great. She dresses up as a French maid
wearing no knickers. She walks around the flat cleaning and every time she stretches up
to dust something I get a glimpse of her gorgeous arse. Eventually when she bends over
to dust under the bed I grab her from behind and we make love frantically doggie style.
When we are exhausted we both flop the floor.
My problem is this; I’ve noticed that the longer I drag out the teasing phase of the roleplay
the cleaner my flat gets! Last week I dragged it out for an hour and a half and my
place was bloody spotless.
Do you think this is morally wrong?
Spotless of St. Allbans
Dear Spotless,
Oo-la-la, Looks like a saucy time is being had by all. But seriously spotless, are you just
using this girl? I think you should seriously consider doing some spring-cleaning in this
relationship. Who know a new relationship might be just what the doctor ordered!

Hit the fan

A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?”

Fertilizer

A farmer is driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, see him and shouts, “What've you got in your
truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replies.
“What are you going to do with it?” asks the little boy.
“Put it on my strawberries,” answers the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the boy advises him. “We fresh cream on ours.”

Police Dogs

Two Police officers George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They’ve only been out a short while when Mary says, “Damn, I was running late this
morning after my workout and shower, I forgot to put on my knickers on! We have to go
back to the station so I can to get them.”
“No problem”, George replies, “We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit dog a
quick sniff, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her
skirt for the dog. The dogs nose shoots between her legs, sniffs and snorts. After 10
seconds of sniffing, the dog’s ears pick up and he sniffs the wind. Then off in a flash he
runs towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and
louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido runs rounds the corner with the
Desk Sergeant's dick in his mouth.

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

 She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than a train.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube
She's spent more time under men than all the country’s barstools.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her gynaecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her pantyhose have a trap door.

Sex and Travel

I guy walks up to a really pretty girl at the bar and says, “Hey, babe can I buy you a
drink?”
She says, "Do you like sex?"
The guy says, “Sure! Of course, I like sex.”
Them she asks, “Do you like to travel?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I love to travel.”
“Well” she says, “Then fuck off some where else.”

Ice-cream

A guy walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, “Every ice cream flavour in the
world.”
“Yea right,” thinks the guy and walks in. “So you say you have every flavour of ice cream
in the world?”
“That’s right,” says the assistant.
“O.K. Then, I’ll have three scoops of pussy flavoured ice cream, please.”
“No problem, sir.” As he puts three scoops in a cone and hands it to the guy.
The guy takes a good long lick then grimaces. “Hey, this doesn't taste like pussy, it
tastes like shit!”
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit, you need to take shorter licks!"

Bakers Job

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the
occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns
usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of
him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die.
They just keep on making more dough.

Feeling ill

A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I really feel ill, can you do some tests?”
“Sure” says the Doc, “I'll call you when the results come back”
The guy thanks the Doc and then goes about his daily routine.
Two days later the phone wakes the guy up. He picks it up and it’s the Doc.
The doctor says, “I've got some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, "What is the good news?”
“You have 24 hours to live.”
“And what's the bad news?” asks the guy.
“Sorry” says the Doc, “But I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Just good friends

“The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends,” the girl told
her maiden Aunt. “Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a
friend?”
The wise old lady smiled and said, “The same as with your lover only not quite so often!”

Open wide

A guy is having sex with an older girl that he’s picked up at the local disco. They’re on
the lounge floor both enjoying themselves when he says, “Spread your legs at little
wider.”
So she does.
“A bit wider. Wider!”
“Hey” She says, what the hell are you trying to do? Get your balls in as well?"
“Nope” replies the guy, “I’m trying to get them out.”

Flight

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally
dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight
attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his
left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Sadam Hussein is watching Star Trek when he notices that there are no Iraqis in the
show. So he calls George Bush to protest and find out why.
Bush replies, “O that’s simple its set in the future – after the next gulf war!”

Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch
myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on
wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be
the door, I'll get it!"

Air conditioner

A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air
conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down
because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asks, “Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?”
"Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Tiger

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their
marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm
not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband
gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more
time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."

The Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says,
“This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I’m afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you.”
“But wait,” says the guy. “If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!”
”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of
condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the
bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a
minute stops winking.
“Well,” says the interviewer, “that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,
and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!” Protests the guy. “Well
then, how do you explain all the condoms?”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Fairy Tales

A little girl asks her father, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
”Nope” He replies, “Most begin with ‘If elected I promise...’”

Better mileage

Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon and yells,
“Hey, Dad! What are you doing?”
His father replies, “Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.”
”Oh, yeah!” says Johnny, “Well, you better get a model that does better mileage cause
the postman filled her this morning.”

How blonde was she?

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
At the bottom of an application where it said “sign here,” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She Was So Blonde ...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and " DON'T WALK."
She tried to put her M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sold her car for gas money.
She studied hard before taking a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on “The Soul Train.”
When she missed bus No 44, she took bus No 22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” so she turned
around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She’s worried that if she tries to speak her mind, she'll be speechless.
She’s convinced that she can’t use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
“Tits Goes In Front”

This is a genuine psychological! See how you do …

It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy that
she didn’t know. She thought this guy was amazing. A real dream guy, so much she that
she fell in love with him at first sight. But so forgot to get his number and could not find
him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister!
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. NO CHEATING!

Fannie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last
month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my
last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing for Mass when a gorgeous, tall
woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits
down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs lightly spread apart:
she is obviously not wearing any underwear. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks,
"Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."

Ten again

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a
local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a
Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off
to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Big Dumb guy

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a
feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older
workmen. After several minutes, Morris had had enough.
“Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?” he says. “I’ll bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you can't wheel
back.”
“You're on, old man,” the show off replies. “I’ll take that bet! Let's see what you got.”
Morris reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the
young man, he says, “All right. Get in.”

Donkey’s Balls

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife
asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had
left his watch in the motel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally
finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the
donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.
"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way.
After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man
for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."
By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the
time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"
"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here
where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"
"Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly
the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening
experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does
as he is instructed.
"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband
does just that.
"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

Print problems

When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local
repair shop where a friendly man said, “The printer probably only needs to be cleaned.
Our store charges £30 for a call out to do the cleaning. So you might like to try reading
the printer’s manual first and doing the job yourself.”
Pleasantly surprised by the repairman’s candour the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
"O sure.” Says the repairman. “It was his idea! We usually make more money on repairs if
we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Anti-men jokes

A guy goes home with a tube of KY jelly and says to his wife, "This will make you happy
tonight." He was right. The wife squirted it all over the bedroom doorknobs, so couldn't
get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in
the world" The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," A guy says to his wife as he steps out of the
shower. "What do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"
“Hum”, replied the wife, "Probably that I married you for your money."
A guy is in bed with is new girl friend and says, “Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you really badly.”
“Well” says the girl”, “You did and it was!”
A guy says to his wife, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She replies, “That's a great idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and watch TV!”
A guy says to his wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give
you?”
She replies, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”
Q: What's a holiday for toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!
Q: Which celebrity is afraid of Christmas?
A: Noel Coward
Q: Would a Christmas tree grow in Los Angeles?
A: Nope, but Hollywood!
Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?
A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.
Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales

Cheesy

A bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick is yellowish and smells a bit cheesy.
The doctor asks him various questions but can't work out what the problem is. Finally, he
asks the bloke what he does for a living. "Nothing. I'm unemployed" he replies.
"So what do you do during the day?" enquires the doctor. "Not much," says the bloke
"I just sit around watching porn films and eat Quavers."

The Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in the Office!

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: A girls got to have one, but she’s not quite sure why.
I was walking in the park with my girl friend while on holiday, when she said,
"Hey, look a bird aviary"
I said, "Well if I’d known you wanted to see a cockatoo we could have staid in the room!"

New car

A Lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the car to feel the fine leather
upholstery, she farts rather loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little
accident, and also she hoped a sales-person wasn't about to pop up. As she turns back,
there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” he asks.
Very uncomfortably she replies, "What is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit
yourself when you hear the price."

Two blonde guys

Two Blonde guys are in the woods hunting. One looks at the other and says, "I've got to
take a shit."
The other replies, "Well go behind one of those big trees and do it."
"Its not that simple. I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replies, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one says, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He leaves and 15 minutes later comes back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looks at him and asks, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes,
and a nickel?"

Double Decker bus

Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom
level.
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go
and check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!"
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys
have a driver!"

Fancy Dress

A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a
bright idea. When the hostess answers the door, she finds the guy standing there with
no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asks.
"A premature ejaculation." says the man "I’ve just come in my pants!"

Fat girls

A guy is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?"
"Nope," the guy replies, "it's burning my arse!"

First time

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one,
and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey." She undresses the boy, then herself, and lay
down on the bed. He crawls on top of her. "Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now
pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... " "For goodness sake," says the boy,
"will you make up your god dam mind?"

Why E-Mail is like the Penis...

A. Some folks have it, some don't.
B. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
C. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
D. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss
that those who have it make about it.
E. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (email envy).
F. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.
G. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.
H. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
I. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
J. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
K. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

Three nuns

Three nuns are on a long train journey. To pass the time decide to tell each other what
their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out
for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor
box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the
poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third nun says that’s fascinating. "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait
to get off this train!"

Sex On Television

A woman is walking down the street when a man carrying out a survey stops her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" says the woman smiling.
"Could you tell me what you think about sex on TV?"
"Well," replies the woman, "It's very uncomfortable, especially when you've got the
antenna stuck up your arse!”

The secretary

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild
fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Cooling Swimming

 The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone.
So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction.
He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front
of his privates he sighed with relief.
As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a
bottom in it."

Desert Island

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there,
until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a
genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my
husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is
gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the
matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

Hong Kong Dong

A guy goes on a business trip to Hong Kong and decides to spend the last night having
wild sex with a Geisha Girl. After returning home he notices a very weird green sore
festering on his penis. So he goes to his doctor.
After hearing of his trip to Hong Kong the Doc says, “You have a bad case of Hong Kong
Dong. I’m sorry to have to tell you that the only cure amputation!”
The guy is horrified and so decides to get a second opinion.
The second doc says, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right
away."
Our hero still can’t accept this and so gets a third opinion from an oriental doctor. Dr.
Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but says "These Western Doctors -
so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necessary."
Our hero is so relieved. Dr. Wong continues, "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its
own."

No Bull

Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall
over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.
After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows. Again all of the cows are knocked to the
ground, but the bulls just carry on munching the grass.
Next a mini tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next
field. The bulls’ just say, "Moo" and carry on munching!
Finally, one of the cows walks up to a bull and says, "How come the wind always knocks us
over and you remain standing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Responding To Telemarketers

When a telemarketer calls you!


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,”Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh No!!!” and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.



Share

At The Barbers

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said: "I'll have a shave and a shoeshine."

The barber began to sharpen the old straight edge and lathered the cowboy's face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said: "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied: "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said: "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said: "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."

In A Public Bathroom

So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” So the other guy says “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just traveling?” At this point I’m wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question… “‘Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
“Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!”

Right then, dead silence… then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

When Superman Is Bored..

One night, Superman was on the roof of a tall building looking around the city for something to do.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find anything to do so he called Batman.
"Hello." said Batman.
"Hey Batman, it's Superman. Want to hang out tonight?"
"Oh I can't." said Batman, "Robin and I are washing the Bat Mobile."
"Alright, maybe another time then. Bye." said Superman.

So Superman looked around some more for something to do then he decided to call Aquaman.
"Hello." said Aquaman.
"Hey Aquaman, it's Superman. What are you up to?"
"I'm training dolphins right now and I really can't talk." said Aquaman.
"Ok, bye." said Superman.
"Bye." said Aquaman.

So once again Superman was looking around for something to do
when all of a sudden, through an open window, he sees Wonder Woman lying naked in bed.
So he gets an idea.
With his super speed, he flies in the window, f*cks her in an instant and flies back out.
Then Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?!?"
and the Invisible Man said "I don't know, but it just tore the hell out of my ass!!!"

Doorbell Salesman

A doorbell salesman knocks on a door, he tells the lady that answers the door that hes selling doorbells

Lady: "Well i don't want any doorbells but would you ring my bell?"
Salesman ecstatic : "Yes"

So they get it on when her husband comes back home, and the salesman jumps the closet with his ~censored~ sticking out.

Husband: "Honey whats that sticking out the closet ?"
Wife: "Its a doorbell honey."
Husband: "Ok let me test it"

So he pulls his belt out and whacks the salesman's ~censored~ , but the salesman doesn't make a sound. He does it for a second time, again the salesman stays silent.

Husband: "Honey i think its broken!"
Then slams it again with his belt
Salesman: "FOR F*CKS SAKE DING DONG!"

Hot Dogs

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally move to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and others.

Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.

Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.

The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says: "What part of the dog did you get?"

Saddam Hussein stamps..!@#$ must READ!

Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,
with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,
stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing
complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become
furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered
him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and
then reported on the problem to him.
He said:" Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Awesome Headlines

Headlines We've Seen & Loved!



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Best Irish Joke Of The Year

Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the
rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
Malcolm said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the
street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' Mal won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Best Friends?

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Martini?

Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Pope versus mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert
to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim
community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community.
If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won,
they'd have to convert or leave.
The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent
them in the debate.

However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic,
they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Mufti looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Mufti pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said
that the Moulana was too clever.

The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.

"He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God!

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us.

"He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right
here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all
our sins.

"He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd
won.

"I haven't a clue," the Mufti said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I
gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims
and I told him that we were staying right here!"

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
And then he walked away!"

Lost Ball

 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

Importance of a word

 "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "Sh!t! THAT'S the word!"

Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"

Little 'Kids'

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Tell me why

Farmer Milking Cow

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

com-for-da-bul

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.


In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.



She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.....

'com-for-da-bul.

Bizarre Zoo signs

A “Dear Mom” Letter

Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case
you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one
of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her that he’s
OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride on one
of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never
would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the
lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but
it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.
Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas
can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good
driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only
lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any
traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see
how a tourniquet works.
Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it
probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
He said they got sick a lot that way with the food they ate
in prison.
I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He
said he sure figured out how to get things done better while
he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters
and buy bullets.
Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Johnny
P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on
the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon,
“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,”
were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the
enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at
NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to
what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-
year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he
was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball,
which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong
heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want
sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!”

Big Jake’s Coming!

A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of
the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing
through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop
and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the
bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came
running in yelling “Big Jake’s comin’!” Within seconds the
establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer
alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half
foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out
the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the
pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw
him over the bar, bellowing “Gimme a drink!” The pilgrim
complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on
the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the
neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked “Sir,
would you care for another?” To which the cowboy replied,
“Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake’s comin’!”

The Elderly Vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed
that they were carrying two dead racoons. “Do you wish to
check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

The Birthday Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The
parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything
he could think of to try and set a good example.
Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled
back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry
and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David
put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and
scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for
half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt
the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I
really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and
was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change
when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken
did?”

A Child’s Perspective

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she
asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few
minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me
too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes,
the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as
her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather
wondered what was running through her mind. At last she
spoke up.
“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job
lately.”

Compiling a Family History

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only
one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle
George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a
chair of applied electronics at an important government
institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of
ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Quotes on the Nature of the Universe

Carl Zwanzig: ‘Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light
side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....’
Albert Einstein: ‘Only two things are infinite: the universe
and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.’
John Andrew Holmes: ‘It is well to remember that the entire
universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.’
Douglas Adams: ‘In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been
widely regarded as a bad move.’
Ray Bradbury: ‘We are an impossibility in an impossible
universe.’
Christopher Morley: ‘My theology, briefly, is that the universe
was dictated but not signed.’
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): ‘The surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has
never tried to contact us.’